I don’t even know why I’m writing this blog, something I just feel I need to write down.

My mum was much more than a mum, she was my best friend.

My mum was my first friend and playmate.
She’s the one who rocked me as a baby,  cleaned me up when you as a clumsy kid, and eased your heartaches as a teen.
She helped me plan my wedding and taught me on the ins and outs of being a first-time mother.
In a sense, my mum was one of the biggest parts of my life, my rock.
No matter what I write in this blog if you haven’t lost your mum, you won’t fully understand the depths of grief one goes through.
The pain is crippling, and it hits you at random moments. One minute you might be fine, and the next minute you are curled up in a ball in inconceivable pain.
A pain that I just can’t describe.
If you have lost your mother, then you’re probably sitting there nodding your head in agreement
You see my Mum hasn’t long passed, only March this year…
She was with me as we toasted the bells of 2019, hoping this year was going to be a better one, little did we know what fate had in store for us.
In January, I took mum for a routine hospital appointment, shed been having a few problems, nothing big and it wasn’t a new symptom either, had been going on for years.
Nothing prepared me for what I was told. My mum didn’t want to know and asked the doctor to tell me.
My mum had stage 4 cancer, there was nothing they could do, she also had a clot in the lung.
I asked how long does my mum have, expecting them to say 12 – 18 months or something along the lines.
It was worse, 6-8 weeks and they didn’t know what would take her as she was faced with two devils..cancer and the clot in the lung…
I came out that room knowing I had to stay strong, look at my mum as if nothing was wrong as she didn’t want to know. Not once did she ever ask me what the doctor said to me.
So, I knew what time I had left with her and I suppose I was lucky in a crazy way as I got to do things with her when she was well enough.
The Specialist said she would end up in bed and sleeping a lot, nope she didn’t, to my amazement she just kept going, we could see the deterioration but my mum was a strong lady and not a lot kept her down.
She was remarkable, out having ice cream, singing along with music, she was always known for having a smile on her face.

Then as the 8 weeks approached, we thought, the doctors have got it wrong !!!!

She still going about, just a little slower but on her feet.

On 10th March I got a phone call from her carer, mum had gotten a little fright as she woke up and couldn’t breath properly. I immediately went along, mum was ok by then but said she didn’t know why but felt a little scared… I stayed with her then and for the next few nights.

Even tho she was still going about, I don’t know why but I knew she was about to pass.

On 12th March, we sat and had a hot chocolate together and my mum’s fly cig lol.

She was asking me strange questions like, Am I financially ok and to stay close to my brother and sisters.

She said she felt scared again and me being me had a joke with her saying she’s not about to leave me (remember she never knew she was terminal), she said to me ….I am Sharon, I didn’t question her as now I know I knew she was about to pass also.

I put her to bed and told her I will only be 5 minutes as was letting hubby out security door.

When I came back in mum seemed sound asleep so I went into bathroom to get washed and put my pj’s on, at that moment I heard a funny noise, like a long snore, I smiled to myself thinking she’s sound asleep, then I heard it again… I knew this time what it was,

My beautiful mum had gone to be with my Dad, she waited until I was beside her to pass, that I feel honoured for, we were very very close.

I sat for ages not going for anyone, thinking maybe I’m wrong, maybe shes asleep.

Eventually,, I got someone to check on her, she had gone.

I had to then call my brother and sisters with the news.

Why am I telling you all this? I have no idea. I suppose it’s helping me talking about it and I want the world to know how special she was to me…

Grief is a horrible thing to go through and there is no time you can put on it to heal.

Sometimes I wake up thinking iv just had a nightmare and my mums ok, other times I pick up the phone to call her.

It’s an unbearable pain.

Grief can be confusing, sometimes frightening emotion, especially if they haven’t experienced a similar loss themselves. We have to remember that because unless you have lost a parent you can’t comprehend how I’m feeling.

Family, friends may feel unsure about how to comfort you and end up saying or doing the wrong things. But don’t use that as an excuse to retreat into your shell and avoid social contact. If a friend or loved one reaches out to you, it’s because they care.

This is what I remember myself on a daily basis.

My mum was my world, I have comfort knowing shes with my dad.

I’m keeping going because she was a strong lady and I’m determined to be a strong lady in her memory.

I will make her proud and when my time comes, I will leave a legacy…

I was once her angel, now she is mine…

Love you so much mum and we will meet again, that’s what I hold on to.

Love

Sharon

Ps- thanks everyone for reading, writing all this down has made me feel better.

Sharon Hoggan
Sharon Hoggan

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